Pahood’s Mustache
In the suburbs in faraway land called Moostachia, the lived a young fellow name Pahood. He went to school like any other boy or girl, except Pahood was different. He, unlike all the other citizens in Moostachia, didn’t have a mustache… or a beard, or a goatee, or any other kind of facial hair for that matter. He was as hairless as they come, and because of hairless ways, he was considered an outsider among his peers. He sometimes even felt as if his own family was disappointed in him because of his lack of facial hair. His older sister Parisa, who had a goatee as bushy as anything, sometimes would tell him that because he had not grown a follicle on his face by the time he was two, his mother would sometimes cry because she was the laughing stock of her book club. All the other book club ladies had big, strong sons to pass on the family name and their good, hairy genes. But all she had was a petite little boy who was as about as hairless as he was fragile. Pahood never believed that story, but sometimes he had his doubts. After all, it had always seemed as if his parents favored Parisa over Pahood any day of the week.
It was a sunny Tuesday in springtime when Pahood decided to put an end to being a hairless outcast. It all started the day before, on a breezy but warm Monday morning when Pahood was as tired as ever. He idly lumbered into homeroom with his books in one hand and a pencil in the other. He sat himself down at an empty desk and threw his books on the floor, evoking a loud banging noise that caused a couple beard-clad girls a few desks away to flinch and shoot Pahood a couple of scowls. He merely ignored the spiteful gestures and continued to go about checking to make sure he had done all his homework and other morning tasks. That’s when Pahood’s teacher Mrs. Whimsy sauntered into the classroom cheery as ever and high on her own giddiness. Mrs. Whimsy was a petite little woman with eyes as blue as the hulk was incredible and a platinum blonde handlebar mustache that matched her equally blond mop of hair that she wore in a tight bun at the nape of her neck. She bared an unnaturally white, crooked toothed smile and said in a voice that was just too cheery for 7:30 a.m. “Good morning class! Lovely day, isn’t it? In other news, I am happy to announce that we have a new student who will be joining us on our epic quest to learn!” Pahood just groaned and rolled his eyes. He always tried to make a point of showing extreme distaste for anything that glorified the concept of learning. Then Mrs. Whimsy continued to preach to a clearly uninterested choir in an overly chipper voice. “She has come all the way from Sideburn City to be here with us.” Sideburn City was the capital of Moostachia. Pahood had been there several times on class trips throughout his school career. “Everyone, please give a warm welcome to the latest addition to our class.” Pahood couldn’t help but feel as if Mrs. Whimsy was announcing a guest speaker, and that was the last though Pahood ever conjured up in his hairless little mind before his life had been completely changed forever. In strode a girl unlike any other girl Pahood had ever laid eyes on. She had long, lustrous black hair that cascaded down her back like a waterfall of expensive black silk. She also had the most earnest green eyes that seemed to sparkle as they hit the light. Her skin was a glowing shade of bronze that perfectly complemented her white sundress. Not to mention a smile so dazzling, it was almost as eye catching as the full, thick mustache upon her upper lip. Pahood was so overwhelmed by the beauty of the new girl that he barely caught Mrs. Whimsy announce that her name was Marishka. Pahood just stared at Marishka for a little while longer until the bell rang and he was off to his next class.
By lunchtime Pahood had officially concluded this was love at first sight and he knew he needed to make a move before somebody else did. But when Pahood got to the lunchroom, his heart instantly sank. There was Marishka, sitting at the head of the popular girls table. It had only been three hours, and Marishka was already dining with small town Moostachia royalty! Pahood felt silly. How hadn’t he assumed that Marishka would be wildly popular? She most certainly had the looks, and after having gym with her before first period, it was pretty easy to tell she was a soccer all-star! She was destined to be an A-lister from the start, and there was nothing wrong with that, except for what Pahood referred to as “the rule”. The rule was an unspoken but quite obvious law that popular girls could only date popular guys and vice versa, of which Pahood was neither. He knew what was holding him back, though. He knew the chords that strapped him to the cold brick wall of anti-socialism, but he just didn’t know how to cut them. And the chords just so happened to be woven with Pahood’s hairlessness. He knew what he had to do: he needed to grow a mustache.
Pahood was up late that night when he finally figured out what he had to do in order to sprout a stache. The next morning, he would have to get up extra early and head towards the outskirts of town, to the woods. He would have to hike directly east until he reached Mustache Mountain Range. He would then have to scale one of the mountains until he reached the forest on the other side. Then he would need to keep walking until he reached the Goatee Garden, in which lay the Shrine of the Silver Sideburns. The Goatee Garden and the Shrine of the Silver Sideburns were two mystical locations long discussed in fables in the town which Pahood lived. It was said that if you went to the Goatee Garden and picked three of the flowers that grew there, you must find 6the Shrine of the Silver Sideburns and place them upon the statue of the two Silver Sideburns which belonged to the spirit of Gustavo, the guardian of all facial hair. If you placed them on the statue, then Gustavo was said to materialize in front of the statue and grant you any wish you wanted, as long as it involved facial hair. This was a total shot in the dark being that he wasn’t sure if any of these places actually existed. Plus, even if Pahood was able to scale Mustache Mountain and find both the Shrine and the Garden, who is to say that Gustavo was real. And even if he was, would he really grant Pahood a wish? At this point, Pahood was willing to do anything to win the acceptance of his peers, his family, and most of all, Marishka.
The next morning, Pahood did exactly what he had planned. He prepared himself to go to school as usual, but instead of taking his usual route, he took a left at the bus stop and headed straight towards the woods. He walked for at least an hour until he reached Mustache Mountain. It was real! Maybe if the Mountains weren’t just a tall tale, everything else would be real too. He scaled the mountains in about an hour, and was merrily on his way again. There was no turning back now! Pretty soon his school would call his house to report that Pahood was absent, and when his parents say that he went to school as usual, they would conclude that something was wrong. Maybe if he went home with a mustache, his parents would be so happy for their newly hairy son, they would forget all about him skipping school. At this point all he cared about was finding the gardens.
Pretty soon, about only one hour after scaling the mountains, Pahood noticed the foliage had changed. The trees became sparser, the grass became taller, and the ground was laden with flowers everywhere! Then Pahood realized he had reached the Goatee Garden! He was so happy he hollered and cheered and thrusted his fists in the air! Then, almost instantaneously, Pahood got right back to work and started looking for the Shrine of the Silver Sideburns. Pretty soon he noticed something glimmering in the distance, and when he got a little bit closer, he realized they were a pair of Silver Sideburns! He sprinted towards them picking up three flowers along the way, and without a moment to spare, he threw them upon the sideburns. Then all Pahood remembers was a puff of smoke and in his hand there was a little jar of oil with a note attached to it. He stopped reading when he read the part that said “Hair will grow on areas oil touches skin.” Pahood couldn’t believe his eyes. He had endured 14 long years of teasing and shunning because he was hairless, and now it would all be over because of little jar of oil. He wrapped it in his sweatshirt to make sure it didn’t break on the way home and carefully zipped it in his school bag.
The whole trip home felt like he was walking on a cloud, Pahood just couldn’t believe he actually was going to have a mustache! Sure his parents chewed him out when he got home, but he just kept imagining the pleasantly surprised smiles on their faces when they would wake up to see his thick and voluminous mustache. That night after his shower Pahood could barely wait to apply the oil and sprout a beautiful stache! Well, he did go a bit overboard with the oil, pouring it all over himself and whatnot. In an instant he realized how tired he was and collapsed into a deep slumber.
The next morning Pahood woke up and didn’t even remember about the magic mustache oil. He just yawned and rubbed his eyes like he usually did in the morning and walked into the kitchen. He grabbed a bowl of cereal and groggily just stared at it for a while until his mother walked in. His memory about the oil was instantly refreshed and he just couldn’t wait to show his mother his new facial hair.
“Morning mom.” Pahood said.
His mother just continued to look down and sleepily sip her coffee until she finally was awake enough to reply. “Good mor-AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” His mother screamed.
“Like the stache?” Pahood said cockily. Then his mother grabbed a meat cleaver and started chasing after Pahood. Pahood did not understand. Why was his mother chasing him? Than Pahood realized something; his mother was chasing him with a meat cleaver, and he was just standing there. He quickly sprang into action and ran to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him. It only took Pahood a minute to realize why his mother was screaming. Staring back at him in the mirror was not Pahood; it wasn’t even Pahood with a mustache. It was a scary ape creature COMPLETELY covered in hair! It only took another minute for him to realize why his reflection was a Neanderthal. Last night when Pahood had applied the oil, he rubbed it all over his ENTIRE body. Then he remembered the directions on the oil had said everywhere the oil touches, bushels of new hair will grow. Pahood wasn’t sure what to feel now. He was feeling a mixture of anger, fear, and just downright stupidity. Then he realized he had a bigger problem on his plate. His mother had screamed, therefore waking up Pahood’s father and Parisa. Now he had three crazed people to deal with, and there was no way they were going to pause their attack just so their hairy intruder could tell them his alibi. He knew his time was limited. They could bust down the bathroom door or worse. Pahood had to act quickly, so he lifted the window in the bathroom, crawled out, and ran to the only place he knew he would be safe; the woods.
Today, Pahood still roams the woods in Moostachia. Although today it’s not called Moostachia, it is called Tibet. The Mustache Mountain Range is now called Himalayas as well. And as far as Pahood goes, you most likely know him as Bigfoot.
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